i.
I knew you well enough
to know your birthday
and middle name
[even the shampoo you wore
on my pillow that really needs to be cleaned anways.]
Your bow-arms and thin shoulders;
pretences always daring me to
look away.
A symphony of laughing bones;
a thousand "what if's"
without their "nevers"
and a silly pet name that gave you blond hair.
ii.
What could you ever know
about those little secrets
and apples in your eyes?
Nothing.
Nothing.
No mirrors;
until you sat with your hands
grabbing cold-shell ears--
over and over and over
until you believed
That if I did--I would remember
because it didn't happen of course;
no never, never.
Night under night under night.
Curling like a cinder into water--
Forget sweetly, forget-forget.
iii.
She told me: tubefed--
crushed led and pocketfuls
of stones; someday going quietly
At least--well, they told me
once--today twice and three times
down to find an answer
I wanted to regret.
Maybe someday I'll ask too--
Sweetly: running around and around
and around what, dear?
Concrete.
iv.
Remember this--
Ears pressed against your hands:
nicotine blue and so, so, so--
painful, unreal and maybe even
true.
Someone has their hands pressed against
your throat and eyes like
fingers down the back
of it.
But I forgot who cares.
And when I see through to you
tell me that's
what I said.